"Will you marry me?

...by the way, I'm already married." How do you answer a proposal like that? One of my earlier posts was dedicated to looking at why some women willingly enter into  polygamous marriages. This time I thought I'd look at it from the man's perspective, so why do they do it? The Prophet Muhammad had 11 wives, and all but one of them was a virgin, they were all either widows or divorcees. He married them to offer them security and as a means of creating bonds and uniting conflicting tribes. Can we say that  man today has intentions that are honourable like the Prophet? Are their motives entirely selfish, and is it to indulge in sexual gratification as many would believe? I've seen many polygamous marriages in my community so, I thought I'd look at what some of the reasons were.

• One of the main reasons that men have taken a second wife is because their first wife is infertile and they wish to have children. Many times their wives can have children but  they've had several daughters but no son. This desire for an heir is a very cultural  issue, in 2 of the 3 cases that I personally know of, the first wives gave birth to a boy after their husband married another woman, one after 5 girls the other after 6.
• Many men stick to tradition and have arranged marriages in their native countries, this is especially common for men of the  Indian sub-continent, after they bring their respective wives to the UK, they have their girlfriends on the side that they've hidden from their families but eventually they'll marry them as well. 
• Some men have actually resorted to marrying a cousin from abroad just to look after their ailing elderly parents, shocking I know but true. A lot of women are abused like this, in many cases they cannot speak English and don't have anyone to turn to. They put up with this treatment because it's either that or be sent back home, something they'd never do for fear of bringing disgrace on their families.
• The men go through a mid life crisis and fancy a younger model (yes, it has happened).

I must say that over the lapse of time, I've seen a shift in men's priorities, you would think that young  modern Muslim men who were born and raised in the UK might consider the practice of polygamy outdated and old fashioned, but apparently not so. I've seen that nowadays men from the younger generation tend to take a second wife because they have an arranged marriage to keep their parents happy but later on they fall in love and marry that girl but keep the first wife too. I found an interesting audio video on YouTube, it's a BBC Asian Network  report called 'Polygamy in Britain', I made the above points before I discovered it  and was surprised to hear that similar reasons were given for men having more than one wife. So it's not just in my community but everywhere,  have a listen, (I know it's a bit long but hang in there it's quite interesting.)

One big happy family.

This is the Darger family, they are Independent fundamentalist Mormons and they are a polygamous family in America, dad, 3 moms and 20 children! While I was trawling the net I came across many images like this, they all depict large families consisting of 1 father and 2-3 mothers with a brood of children, ranging from babies to teenagers. The Dargers all live together in one house,God knows how they manage, and what there sleeping arrangements are.They aren't Muslim but the impression I got from  their blog is that of a busy hectic life but all in all it's a family that lives in harmony together, this is what it should be like, one big happy family.  This is normal for families like this in the USA, but I was interested in what life was like for such a family here in the UK. The co-wives here usually live in separate homes and the husband visits them in turn. I wanted to look at how the children faired in all this, go to any household with children and you'll hear the mother screaming, 'Wait till your father gets home...' but what if the father doesn't get in that evening, what if he's with his other children? Does this then lead to the children being more disruptive because of an absentee father? My search for answers led me to a blog, and after reading some of the comments on it, I was left feeling quite sad, I came across words like:

•   jealousy                                              
• low self-esteem       
• neglect 
• hatred
• anger
• sibling rivalry 
• attention deficit disorder
• depression

The majority of comments on this blog were about people's personal experiences and the way in which they were affected by polygamy. One blogger  known as 'Marcel' was very open and frank about his feelings, he said he didn't like his half sisters and felt no connection to  them, feelings towards his step-mother were of resentment and bitterness. I was more concerned, however, with how he expressed feelings of hatred  towards  his  father, fathers are meant to be  role models someone you look up to and aspire to be.  Marcel portrays his mother as something of a martyr, this could be one of the reasons he has so much bad feeling towards his father, wife no.2 and her children. I think it's essential that the mother makes sure that her children maintain a healthy relationship with their father, their half-siblings and step-mothers, if she is  giving off  negative vibes, the children will naturally see her as the 'victim' and see their father as the  'bad guy' I have seen in the Darger family an example of polygamy, if it is done correctly it can be a family that lives a harmonious life, which is how it should be.                                                                                      

                                               

What's love got to do with it?

Quite a lot actually. I knew a girl who I grew up with, she was a neighbour and a very close friend. When she was 18 she fell in love with someone and married him. What's wrong with that? Well not much except he was already married with children... and she knew it. I don't want to use real names, so for the sake of this blog we'll call her 'Fatima', I lost touch with her and didn't see her again for another 20 odd years or so. I met up with her a while ago when she moved back to the area and we were on a course together, she was like a completely different person. She wasn't the bubbly girl she used to be, ever since I've got to know her again I have yet to see her smile.

  One day she was particularly quiet and I asked her if she was ok, she started sobbing uncontrollably and said her life was a mess. She complained every week after that about something or other. She was struggling with the children, she was on medication for depression and she felt like her husband didn't support her and they were constantly arguing.  Fatima has three children, her son has dropped out of college and has been in trouble with the police. Her two girls (age 11 & 13) suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder, and they both have symptoms of OCD. Sometimes they'd be up all night worrying about what was going to happen in school the next day. She said one of her girls was already fretting and having sleepless nights thinking about the following year at school. There would be days when she would miss the classes because her girls were off school. Due to lack of sleep, frustration and tiredness Fatima said she felt irritable and miserable all the time. A far cry from the happy jolly girl I used to know. On days that were particularly bad her husband would just go to his other wife's house. I thought this was unfair, I felt that he should  be showing his support to not only his wife but his children too, he made a commitment to her when he married her, It seemed as though he was taking the easy option out. It just made me think about her girls, could their anxiety be a result of their parents squabbling and their mother's depression? In my  next post I think I'll look into that and see how  polygamy affects the children.

A solution?

This word ‘crisis’ sounds quite alarming! When I hear that word I always get the picture that there’s some sort of state of emergency and something has to be done quickly or else we’ll be faced with a catastrophe. I honestly don’t know where all these spinsters have come from, I don’t of many in my community, maybe only two or three (believe me I'm from a BIG community) and even those aren't career women. I feel as though unbeknown to us they've suddenly crept in on us and taken over! And it seems that there are people out there who are doing something about it, sounds interesting.

Gone are the days when the parents arranged marriages for their children, there are now organisations that do the job for you. They hold ‘marriage events’ for Muslims looking for suitable partners, I suppose they’re a bit like speed dating events, and I was surprised to see how many were out there (even one in a mosque!) I've listed just a few. 
http://www.centralmosque.org.uk/3/1/19th-muslim-marriage-event
http://www.muslimmarriage-events.co.uk 

http://www.muslim-marriage-events.com
http://www.stareventsteam.co.uk

Syma Mohammed, a journalist with the Guardian newspaper wrote about her experience at one of these events that she went to. She said that the women outnumbered the men by about 5-1, and their average age was in their 30’s while their male counterparts were in their 20’s. She says that the women sat around waiting to be approached, but obviously with so many women to pick from there's bound to be disappointment, I'm sorry to say I find this practice a little bit degrading, I mean I'm sure they feel a bit humiliated as well. Getting all dressed up, hoping someone will notice them, coming back with not even a ‘how do you do!’

I found a quite a few articles that talked about the shortage of eligible men, one girl on her blog  actually suggested that it would be better if Muslim women married non-Muslim men, she said that she considered that the ‘lesser of two evils’. The other ‘evil’ was marrying into a polygamous marriage. I don’t know... I think that is a bit extreme, because, as we know polygamy is allowed in Islam, but a Muslim woman is forbidden from marrying a non-Muslim man. I think she must have very liberal views, I mean there are so many people out there who are ‘bending the rules’ to suit themselves. Another writer even claims that an Imam in Oxford is encouraging this practice!

 Even though I don’t know of any professional women who are part of a polygamous marriage, I expect that with the increase in more and more Muslim women choosing to work rather than stay at home, it is probable that when age creeps up on them they will be left with very few options and may very well choose polygamy.

So, Why do they do it?

In my previous post I questioned why women would want to enter into a polygamous marriage and become a second wife.  I've heard of many cases where it’s happened abroad, what I was interested in is why it’s happening here in the UK. The first thing I did was type ‘Muslim women who choose polygamy’ into Google. I was quite surprised by one of the options; it was talking about educated women who were willing to ‘share’ their husbands because of a lack of suitable men.  I must admit this was quite new to me as I've not heard of this before, these were professional career women and I didn't think that it was something that a modern woman would willingly do.  It seems that more and more girls are doing better than boys in education, and are choosing to have careers over marriage.  When these women feel they are ready for marriage they are usually older than the single men available and quite frankly they are seen as ‘past their sell-buy date’. This has led to what is now called the Muslim spinster crisis!  

 I've discovered that most Muslim career women don’t want to marry men from ‘back home’ because there’s such a culture clash, and as men their own age are already married,  they choose to be part of a polygamous marriage here in the UK. This is so they can have their careers and have a husband but without the baggage that comes with him, (his other wife will sort all that out). Not really a fair deal is it? Not on the husband’s part but the women, I mean what does this mean for the other wife? I imagine it might make them feel a little inadequate at times. They are left at home doing the chores while their co-wives are out earning money, coming home to have their dinner on the table and their washing and ironing done. It kind of makes me feel like these high-flying professional women are a bit like another husband not another wife!